


Keyword Search: Garak

by Ameera



Series: Julian Bashir: Observations [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Attraction, Crush, Denial of Feelings, Diary/Journal, Drunkenness, Falling In Love, Flirting, Humor, M/M, Slow Burn, julian is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-10 02:38:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 19,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11682303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ameera/pseuds/Ameera
Summary: What would you see if you did a keyword search through Julian Bashir's personal logs for all mentions of "Garak"? Follow along as someone reads through that exactly and learns more about DS9's CMO than he'd like. But who is reading through his personal logs?





	1. Past Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I picture Julian as making very frequent personal log entries because it's not talking to yourself if you're recording it! That being said, these are still able to be accessed if Starfleet requested, so he definitely won't be mentioning his augmentations, but what sort of secrets would he reveal? Maybe his feelings for a certain tailor?
> 
> These are only entries that have "Garak" in them, so sometimes one might start at Entry 4 or something, it's not a mistake, it just means he didn't mention our favorite lizard in the previous three. I hope to add a new chapter each day :)

**Personal Logs: Doctor Julian Subatoi Bashir – Keyword Search: “Garak”**

 

**Stardate: 2369**

 

**Entry 1**

 

                Today as I had tea in the replimat, none other than Garak approached me! He’s a spy, most definitely. He is beyond one of the shadiest characters I have ever met in my life and is a master of obfuscation. He said he wants to be friends! Well, actually, he really just said he wants conversation and then lay his hands on my shoulders and said, “It’s so nice to have made such an interesting new friend.” A Cardassian spy finds _me_ interesting! I’m sure this will only be the first of many conversations, he’s up to something and I’m going to find out what.

 

 

**Entry 2**

 

                I’m making this entry so that there is some sort of official record to be had in case anything happens to me. Garak started talking about Tahna Los and his acquaintances and referred to them as “Bajoran terrorists” and was incredibly wary of them. I know that Tahna Los had been a member of the Kohn ma and maybe he still is, but I must admit that I hardly trust a Cardassian’s opinion of Bajorans who ever took up arms against their oppressors. Even if Tahna has reformed, it’s highly possible Garak doesn’t see any chance for redemption.

 

                Still, after making his observations he suddenly insisted I go to his shop at 20:55 exactly to get a new suit. I tried asking Commander Sisko what I should do, and to his credit he did advise I go and get a new suit, but what I really should have asked is “what does that mean?” Obviously Garak wants to tell me something that he couldn’t tell me on the promenade, but then why not just relocate at that moment and tell me? I didn’t want to ask Commander Sisko what I should be expecting because the way he talked, it seemed like he felt it was obvious and I truly do not want to seem like an imbecile. Anyway, if no one hears from me after this, check Garak’s Clothier’s first. I’m counting on you, Constable Odo, investigate my disappearance to the full extent of the law. It’s already 20:55 now so I really have to be going. Hopefully I will update soon.

 

 

**Entry 3**

 

                Huzzah! Not dead! Garak essentially threw me into a dressing room so that I was hidden and could overhear the Duras sisters attempting to make a deal with him over Tahna Los. Tahna was attempting to form an explosive to destroy the wormhole to keep Bajor of little interest to Cardassia so that they would no longer need Federation protection. I don’t see how anyone can view Federation aid as a negative thing! We ask for nothing really in return, they’re not even required to apply for membership. I doubt most Bajorans agree with Tahna and his actions, however. After all, the wormhole is their Celestial Temple and he was going to destroy that for his own xenophobic reasons.

 

                It seems that Garak was indeed being very helpful in this instance, so I definitely have Commander Sisko’s approval to keep spending time with him. It could be that we only had a common enemy in this case, but who’s to say that won’t happen again? He’s obviously very brilliant, you can tell just by looking in his eyes. He has the most striking and expressive blue eyes I have ever seen. It’s obvious that they’re always calculating and assessing the situation. I’m sure he thinks himself very clever, but unfortunately for him, I’m rather bright myself.


	2. Cardassians

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The arrival of Rugal on the station has Julian spending more time with the station's tailor.

**Stardate: 2370, 47177.2**

 

**Entry 1**

 

Lunch with Garak today was certainly eventful! We were making idle conversation, as he was offending my nose with Rokassa juice again, and he explained to me that that horrid drink calms him. Apparently he’s being tormented by the same Bajoran client over and over again due to his being a Cardassian. Of course the man’s a spy, but that’s still no excuse to act out of such bigotry. For starters, that assertion hasn’t been confirmed, and also if you suspect that wouldn’t it just be a good reason to stay far away? At least, that’s what several Bajorans have told me, “stay away from him!” but while I’m quite sure he’s a spy, I know that I can handle myself. And I don’t antagonize the man! In fact, I enjoy his company. He’s an excellent conversationalist and very friendly, which is probably due to his occupation, but they’re still nice qualities no matter why they’re present.

 

                Anyway, it seems his friendliness hurt him this time around as he spied (no pun intended) a Cardassian boy who was wearing a Bajoran earring and was with his adoptive Bajoran father. The boy bit his hand hard enough to break skin when Garak tried to introduce himself! Garak’s in the infirmary now that I made sure it was nothing too severe, he’s having the wounds treated by Nurse Jebara. I normally wouldn’t like to leave him with the Bajoran nurses (not that I don’t trust my own staff, but I know they’re not always comfortable) but Jebara has expressed her fondness for Garak and his designs and I really do need to report this to Ops as it seems highly peculiar. Not to mention I’m sure Commander Sisko will want a heads up if the only resident Cardassian presses charges.

 

 

**Entry 2**

 

The boy who bit Garak’s name is Rugal and it seems as though he’s been abused by his parents his entire life. The father was blaming Garak for even talking to the boy, claiming he should have “minded his own business.” The man clearly despises Cardassians. He said that Rugal isn’t a Cardassian to him and his wife, that to them he’s Bajoran but I made some subtle inquiries to the man the father and son had come to the station with and he says otherwise. He claims that Rugal is beaten and called “Cardassian scum” constantly as his parents’ revenge for the occupation. I know what Cardassia did to Bajor was awful but this is nauseating. How does this heal any wounds? Gul Dukat has apparently been fearing that this is what became of the war orphans for a while now and he showed particular concern for Garak. The fact that he’s friends with Gul Dukat only furthers the idea that Garak is no simple tailor.

 

 

**Entry 3**

 

The plot thickens! When I returned to the infirmary to fully heal and check on Garak, I told him about Dukat’s desire to bring the orphans home and also asked about why he’d never mentioned that they were friends. Garak actually let out a genuine laugh at the idea of him being close to Dukat, but he failed to elaborate. He then told me it was Dukat’s decision to leave the orphans behind in the first place! When I arrived in Ops, there Dukat was on the viewscreen talking to Sisko, so I decided to confront him. In hindsight, that was probably not the best way to go about it, but Commander Sisko let me off the hook with a warning and I actually think I gained quite a few points with Major Kira.

 

Rugal is staying with Chief O’Brien and his family for now, which is probably for the best until we figure out what’s going on. Plus, I still don’t feel convinced that Rugal hasn’t been abused, at least verbally. His father’s hatred for Cardassians was beyond evident, and even if he lists Rugal as an exception, that must take an emotional toll on the boy.

 

 

**Entry 4**

 

Where to begin? This friendship with Garak is both exciting and exhausting. The man broke into my quarters in the middle of the night and told me that the two of us were going to Bajor! No explanation as to why, he simply made it clear that I needed to get us a runabout. There’s only been one other reason I’ve seen that particular look in someone’s eyes as they stand over me in the bedroom, and it was never espionage before. Needless to say, with that kind of desire, we got the runabout.

 

                We learned plenty of information through an orphanage on Rugal’s past, but the victory was muted when a small Cardassian girl hopefully asked if Garak was there to take them back to Cardassia. My heart goes out to that poor child, to all of those children. Garak says orphans have no status on Cardassia. To just let a whole section of your populace be abandoned, it’s absolutely tragic and cruel.

 

                I put my foot down and demanded Garak tell me what was going on. To summarize: Dukat himself arranged for Rugal, the son of a Cardassian civilian leader Kotan Pa’Dar, to be believed dead and taken to an orphanage. Now that his son was discovered, he would be in disgrace for ever having lost his son. This was all Dukat’s plan to take out a personal political enemy.

 

                When Commander Sisko was informed of this, and Dukat shamed by it, the entire case changed. I’m glad we could stop Dukat’s profit off of this despicable intrigue, but Rugal is still the victim of all this. I think I agree with Commander Sisko’s decision to send Rugal to Cardassia with Pa’Dar, the boy is Cardassian and he needs to know not to hate what he is, but it will not be an easy transition.

 

                I really must thank Garak for his help in this matter. I don’t think he really gained anything from it, other than embarrassing Dukat which he seemed to enjoy. However, I can’t imagine making such a high ranking official despise you comes without consequences. Perhaps it was all just ego that led him to help, but I did feel as though Garak actually was saddened by the war orphans’ plight. That sympathy and obvious rivalry with Dukat is making me wonder, what if he’s not actually a spy but an outcast?


	3. Profit and Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak acts peculiar when a Professor Natima Lang and her students arrive on the station.

**Stardate: 2370**

 

**Entry 1**

 

I had my regular lunch with Garak again today. It’s honestly becoming a highlight in my weeks, he’s truly a fascinating person and enjoyable company. I find his views on loyalty of particular interests. It seems Cardassia is obsessed with the State and family and one’s devotion to those factors are essential to being a proud Cardassian citizen. I can understand that to a certain extent, but I worry about the extremist nature of that philosophy. Even when I slightly agree, we always seem to bicker and argue over every fine point of our discussions. Somehow, though, neither one of us seems to mind. I actually look forward to the debates, they’re intellectually stimulating and feel more intimate than attempting to come to an agreement. In Garak and I’s talks, we know that we’ll fail to find common ground, but we seem to learn more about each other that way and it’s highly refreshing.

 

                Of course, I haven’t learned as much about him as I would like. I actually suggested to him my theory that instead of him being a spy, he’s an outcast and he countered by proposing that he was “an outcast spy.” I asked him how he could possibly be both, to which he replied that he’d never said he was either. He’s absolutely infuriating.

 

                When we left Quark’s (the replimat was unusually crowded) we passed by a group of three Cardassians. Two females, one male. This seemed to startle Garak, who acknowledged them politely. I suppose it’s simply that he was surprised to see other Cardassians. But I wonder if he’s in fact fearful of other Cardassians? After all, if he is an outcast, they may pose some sort of threat to him.

 

 

**Entry 2**

 

I honestly don’t know much about what has happened. I don’t think anyone does. Cardassians threatened the station by targeting weapons and Garak met privately with Commander Sisko during that time. I learned that Professor Natima Lang and her students were enemies of the Cardassian state and that the Cardassians were willing to make a prisoner exchange with the Bajorans for them. That’s about where my understanding of the situation ends.

 

                While the prisoner exchange was agreed to, despite our wish to protect Professor Lang and her students, it never happened. The professor and her students escaped Odo’s custody, I think it’s likely they were aided by Quark since he seems to be rather fond of Professor Lang, but all I know is that they’re no longer on the station now. There was a Gul Toran who had beamed onto the station and is also missing, but I highly doubt he left with them as they seemed to be on opposing sides. What is particularly strange to me is that Garak and Quark seem to have grown closer somehow. More Ferengi are shopping from Garak’s store and I saw Quark give Garak a free glass of Kanar. Maybe he aided the professor’s escape? He could be a member of the dissident movement, but Sisko has hardly warmed to him so I doubt their private meeting revealed as such.

 

                I’m beginning to think I’ll never really know the man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been loving the response so far, thank you for always being so supportive of my random ideas!
> 
> Comments and kudos if you enjoy! <3


	4. The Wire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian worries for Garak's life and thinks about how he feels about the man when he begins showing signs of a medical issue.

**Stardate: 2370**

 

**Entry 1**

 

I need to record my thoughts on this book before I finally succumb to the sweet release of sleep. _The Never-ending Sacrifice_ is a Cardassian novel of some note and Garak was singing its praises as he insisted I read it. While I’m used to arguing and disagreeing with him, I don’t know how honest I should be on my feelings on this particular book.

 

To say it is boring would be an understatement. I kept waiting for something to actually _happen_ and yet I was always disappointed. “Boring” is when nothing happens and you are resigned to the fact that nothing will happen and that is frustrating. This book was absolutely tedious. Every once in a while, something vaguely interesting would be mentioned, so I would think that the plot was finally starting, but then it would gloss right over what I found intriguing and return to its bland narrative of selfless service to the State.

 

The thing is, while Garak often presents his personal opinions and philosophies to me as a bit of a challenge, he offered this book as something he genuinely adores. I don’t want to offend him by explaining that I would rather be joined at the hip with my father than ever read it again. Alright, admittedly that may be a little harsh, but I am not proud that I’ve spent time I could have been sleeping on this horrid literary work.

 

 

**Entry 2**

 

Either Garak’s love for _The Neverending Sacrifice_ runs deeper than I could have imagined, or he’s sick and refuses to tell me. I’m going to say it’s the latter as I was careful to say that I only found the book a little dull in parts. Garak began complaining about the line for the Replimat, insisted that he could not deal with Quark’s today and then obviously suffered from some kind of head pain. His pupils contracted and his skin was clammy but when I tried to get him to the infirmary he practically bit my head off and stormed away.

 

                I mentioned this all to Lt. Dax and she pointed out that we’re not really friends. I must admit that I have to disagree with that assertion. I understand that he doesn’t trust me, and I told Dax I don’t really trust him either but I honestly do when you get down to it. I mean, I don’t take what he says at face value but he trusts that I won’t do that and I trust that what he says is not what he means. It’s more of a game we play than a deception. I suppose after having had lunch with him once a week for two years I thought we’d become relatively close. At least as close as he seems to be to anyone on the station.

 

                But here’s the main issue, Garak is clearly ill and I’m the Chief Medical Officer on this station. I’m not about to let him be reckless with his health, whether I knew the man personally or not, that would be shirking my responsibility. I can’t order him into the infirmary, but I can insist and try and figure out what he’s suffering from and why he’s hiding it. It seems I’ll be doing some reconnaissance.

 

 

**Entry 3**

 

                So Garak was having Quark order something for him. I tailed him and found Garak talking to our resident Ferengi barkeep with obvious irritation. When I confronted Quark, he insisted it was a sizing scanner or some other mundane piece of equipment that he was getting for Garak. When I pointed out that Garak seemed upset, Quark pretended to not have noticed. When I moved toward the direction Garak had exited, Quark tried to tempt me with a holosuite reservation. It was clear he was offering one of the more _intimate_ programs he had available. Did he actually think I’d be that easily distracted?

 

                To be quite honest, that really offended me. I understand that I have a bit of a reputation on the station, Garak had even asked if the reason I was tired was due to one of my “lady friends” but that doesn’t mean I’m less professional. I had just come out of a long-term relationship when I got to the station and also, it’s really no one else’s business who I spend time with and how I spend that time! I ask Quark about what his business with Garak is and he decides to offer me a sexual holosuite program? I recognize that it was just a weak attempt to change the subject and that the Ferengi mindset tends to be more vulgar and crude naturally, but honestly how would that connection even be made? If I had been following Dax or someone I had openly pursued, then I could see him thinking that my curiosity was out of some sort of sexual frustration but I highly doubt that was what he was insinuating with Garak. I would actually be impressed if it were, as that assertion would definitely distract me.

 

                Anyway, when I left Quark, Garak had already disappeared so I had to end my search for tonight. Tomorrow I’ll see if Chief O’Brien can salvage any of the encrypted medical data on the infirmary computers, it might give me some kind of clue as to if these are symptoms of a known Cardassian ailment.

 

 

**Entry 4**

 

                I have a lot to update. Garak is finally resting in the infirmary so this seems like as good a time as any.

 

First off: Chief O’Brien said it would take a week or so to get the data I requested, so that’s a bust. I was then contacted by Quark, Garak was drinking excessively and causing a scene. I don’t really know why he called me instead of Odo, but I’m glad he did. The man needs a bed, not a cell.

 

                Garak was actually very pleased to see me, apologized for his earlier behavior, and invited me to join him for a drink. I’ll admit, I was relieved that he was glad to see me. I suggested to him that we go to drink somewhere quieter, which he was very amenable to. It was a flirtation, I won’t deny that. I suggested the change of venue in a suggestive tone and I leaned in, I was very aware of what I was doing. I rationalized it at the time as an effective way to get Garak out of the bar. He hated me showing concern and he’s too proud to accept any pity, so it made sense to pretend I had some other motive.

 

                The thing is, the idea of flirting with him probably wouldn’t have even crossed my mind if it hadn’t been for my overthinking what Quark had said to me last night. And honestly, it’s cruel to flirt with someone without having some kind of intention of pursuing, obviously, I wouldn’t pursue Garak while he was in that state, but to give the impression that I’m interested without any actual feeling would be a horrible thing to do. It wasn’t a very conscious choice but when he suggested we move to his quarters with that infuriatingly sly smile, I felt a warmth rush through me.

 

                My far too easily seduced heart aside, he was very angry with me when I tried to redirect him to the infirmary but he then had a seizure and collapsed. I beamed him to the infirmary and did a brain scan only to discover the man has some sort of device in his brain! I asked Odo about it, though he had no idea what it was either but he did have surveillance on Quark so that we were able to learn that whatever the device is, it’s connected to the Obsidian Order. Odo tells me they’re more feared than the Tal’Shiar. Garak may be being punished for something he did and is now being tortured. What I can’t figure out is why it would only be causing him pain now despite the fact that it’s clearly been there for a long time. I’m returning to the infirmary now to check in on Garak, if he’s conscious I’ll hopefully get some answers.

 

 

**Entry 5**

 

Garak left the infirmary while I was out and I had to use my medical override to get into his quarters. I found the infernal lizard injecting himself with triptacederine and he insisted that I don’t worry myself. Obviously, I didn’t accept that and then he insisted that he’s not worthy of being saved and to prove this, he told me why he was exiled.

 

                I won’t say here what he claimed. This is obviously something he guards closely and I don’t want to risk violating that trust if Starfleet deemed it necessary to look through my personal logs in case of my death or disappearance on a mission. Suffice to say, the man has blood on his hands, all in the service of Cardassia.

 

                I curse my damned brain for overthinking and my heart for being the most easily wooed one a human could possess. If he made this confession to me just a day or two ago, I would have been shocked, but I wouldn’t have been so damned hurt. Nothing romantic has developed between us, not really, I just recognized a slight infatuation for him just a few hours before this latest revelation. Of course, I’m still going to treat the man, I would treat a Borg Queen, in all honesty, it’s my duty.

 

I’m watching over Garak right now, in fact. We did make it to his quarters after all. The station is too bright and too cold for him but his personal quarters are set to different environmental settings. Apparently, he began abusing the implant in the first place due to the various discomforts the station brings him, so I’m happy to keep him here where at least some of his pain is eased. It’s a drug addiction, to put it simply, but what I think I hate the most is that I never saw the signs of his abuse until now.

 

The withdrawal is clearly causing him to suffer, but this time he truly is asleep. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to give him much relief and he’s tossing and turning, not to mention babbling incoherently and even letting out small whimpers. I know I should harden my heart to him after what he’s confessed, but no one deserves suffering like this.

 

 

**Entry 6**

 

                I’m in the runabout _Ganges_ now, on my way to get killed most likely. So I want to get this last entry in so I can explain everything, but also to distract myself from how incredibly idiotic this whole idea of mine is. Yes, Julian, go confront the former head of the Obsidian Order! Brilliant!

 

                I need to synthesize Cardassian leukocytes though, or else Garak will die. And although he seems damned well content with that prospect, I sure as hell am not.  He’s a good man and I won’t let him die on my watch.

 

                Garak has now told me three different stories as to why he’s been exiled. The first is awful, the second is noble, and the third is merely unfortunate. He certainly doesn’t view the stories like that, he seemed almost proud of the first one, humiliated and broken by the second, and saddened by the third. I suppose that’s just another example of our cultural differences, but the important point is that I really have no idea what he’s done. I told him I forgive him for whatever it is he did, and the truth is, I do. Maybe that makes me weak or maybe that makes me strong, I don’t really know. Though I’m almost certain that Garak would say it makes me weak, so I suppose it’s natural to assume that I will eventually think of myself as strong.

 

                Garak had two consistencies in his stories: his loyalty to Enabran Tain and an associate named Elim. I don’t know much about Elim, not even his full name or even if he’s alive, so I can’t turn to him for help. The only other Cardassian I know who might be willing to assist Garak is Tain, so that’s how I’ve ended up on this madman’s journey to one of the most dangerous men in the Quadrant.

 

                I’m nearing the Arrawath Colony now, time to put on a brave face and prepare to fight on Garak’s behalf.

 

 

**Entry 7**

 

                Garak’s alright. In fact, he seems perfectly fine now. I’m sure he’s still suffering some mild headaches and I’ve made sure to put him on anti-depressants that should help with the withdrawal, but he’s doing his damnedest to act as if none of this ever happened. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Why would he want to remember something that was obviously complete agony for him physically, not to mention left him entirely vulnerable in the hands of the “enemy”? Still, I hope he knows I haven’t lost any respect for him, it’s only been gained actually.

 

                I asked him what in any of the stories were true. He claimed that they’re “all true” and even added, “especially the lies.” I hope that one “lie” was indeed the truth and that was that he actually enjoys my company. I feel that I’ve seen him at his worst and against my better judgment, I’m still drawn to him. I can’t say whether or not it’s romantic, I’m honestly not sure at the moment, but I definitely care.

 

                I’ll have to sort out my feelings for Garak. Or maybe I should be saying “Elim” as apparently that’s been his first name the entire time. Well, if I’m going to sort out my feelings for that blasted creature, I suppose it’s only right that I started reading _Meditations on a Crimson Shadow._ It’s by a Cardassian named Preloc and I’m quite sure Garak only recommended it to me as a joke but I need something to read in order to actually get some sleep after all this. If it’s as boring as _The Never-ending Sacrifice_ , I’ll nod off in no time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo~
> 
> So I just wanted to say going forward that some chapters will be long (like this one) whereas others will be crazy short. I'll try and post more than one short one a day if they're next to each other.
> 
> Also, major shout-out to NoOneKnowsIWriteThis for beta reading so fast as I send her new stuff nearly every hour and also she deserves a big thank you for reminding me that I need to eat and sleep every once in a while and maybe, just maybe, slow down a bit! XD (Don't worry, I still plan to update every day, but she stopped me from trying to do more... like... every hour or something... I'm insane.)


	5. Crossover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian's reflection on his trip to the mirror universe.

**Stardate: 2370**

 

**Entry 1**

         

       While I grew up adoring the stories of Captain Kirk and reading a numerous amount of his logs while I was in the academy, I have officially decided that I do not want to have a life remotely as… exciting. Now that I’ve seen the parallel universe he’d discovered previously first hand, I want nothing more than to just take a long hot bath. I think the worst part of it all was that my heart broke seeing people I recognize being used as slave labor. Working in the ore processing unit was hell, but I think Major Kira actually had a worse time of it, her alternate was… disturbing.

       

         I didn’t actually meet or even catch a glimpse of my alternate. I suppose I should be grateful, but I’ll admit that I am curious. I did, however, meet Garak’s. He was second in command on the station and a true brute. While I was laboring he took me to a private room and talked to me. I was terrified of what he might do. It’s odd, I’ve never been as frightened of my Garak, even though I know he’s capable of atrocities.

           

     He asked me how I knew him. The other him. So I told him that we’re friends. We have lunch regularly and enjoy each other’s company. He seemed baffled by the concept. He needed a solid reason for us to be friends, for example: he asked if we worked together or had any kind of allied connection. When the answers were always “no” he just eventually asked how we even began speaking to each other. I explained that my Garak had just approached me one day and introduced himself. He seemed _very_ amused by that, but when I explained that recently I had saved Garak’s life from his drug addiction, he called me a liar and beat me. I would not recommend that universe for shore leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is so short, but there will still be regular chapters each day, it just didn't feel justifiable to drag this one out or to ignore it so I just did one entry for Crossover.


	6. The Search

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian is on the Defiant, Starfleet's first warship, to try and find the Founders of the Dominion and see if they can strike some kind of peace treaty.

**Stardate: 2371, 48212.4**

 

**Entry 1**

 

Garak’s questions at lunch yesterday were all about the Defiant. He was certainly not the only one to ask, after its rather dramatic decloaking, the station was all abuzz with gossip on it. Still, I pointed out to him that the Cardassian government would probably be very interested in learning more about the Defiant and he agreed. I also said that certain tailors might incidentally let slip information Starfleet would rather keep away from Central Command. Of course he did the whole, “my dear doctor, just what are you implying!” act which I’ve taken to smiling and rolling my eyes at.

 

                If I were to talk about anything relating to the Defiant it would be that I’d rather sleep in the infirmary than in these cramped quarters and that the infirmary is honestly only good for sleeping at this point as there’s very little in the way of decent medical equipment. Saving lives really isn’t the point of a warship though, I suppose. Still, I feel rather useless on this mission. I’m hoping no one will need medical attention but even if it does come to pass, I worry about the limited resources I have available.

 

I hope that we find these Founders of the Dominion soon and put an end to this conflict. That way we’ll be able to retire this dismal ship for good.

 

 

**Entry 2**

 

I’m back on the station. It’s real this time. I think what’s most eerie about this is that I remember making more entries in my log but they’re not actually here. The Dominion simulation seemed so real, I’m having more trouble sorting things out than I’d like to admit.

 

                I saw Garak die. Commander Sisko pulled me away from his body and there was nothing I could do. I know it was all fake, that there were even obvious clues if I’d paid attention, but the image is still burned into my mind. The life leaving his eyes as he made one final clever remark. His already chilled hand growing colder in my own. Sisko’s firm grasp as he pulled me away and my not knowing whether or not I should let him.

 

                The Garak in the simulation was rather different than the Garak I know. He’d greeted me happily and engaged me in more casual conversation than I openly pursued. He’d even clearly stated his thoughts on the Dominion instead of having me deduce it, and ultimately he died heroically. I should have realized that these were definitely not normal traits for the man, but the truth is that I enjoyed it.

 

                I enjoyed having Garak speak openly with me as if I was his closest friend. I enjoyed having him as “part of the team” when we decided to stand against the Dominion. I enjoyed being with him. I always have and it’s about time I sort out those feelings I keep finding reasons to put aside.

 

                I obviously have romantic feelings for him. If I wasn’t certain before, it became quite clear to me when I watched him die. But where does that leave me? I don’t know if he would ever feel the same way, though I feel as though there’s a chance, he’s so difficult to read. Should I risk looking as pathetic as I did with Jadzia? It could jeopardize my friendship with Garak and although that would certainly upset me, I feel it would be extremely detrimental to Garak’s health. I’m not trying to flatter myself by saying I’m important to him, but he doesn’t really have anyone else here and he does seem to enjoy our time together.

 

                Maybe I should increase the frequency we eat together? I could see how he responds to that… How I respond to that… Then at least I can have a better idea as to whether or not it’s even an option, instead of just worrying myself and doing nothing.


	7. Meditations on a Crimson Shadow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jullian tries his hand at seducing the station's tailor and ends up more confused than before.

**Stardate: 2371**

 

**Entry 1**

 

I think Garak is flirting with me? I’m not quite sure. Tonight I tried to get some insight on Cardassian courtship by asking Quark about his relationship with that Professor Lang, I unfortunately only got an uncomfortably descriptive explanation of what their sex was like. While somewhat interesting from a xenobiology standpoint, it was really not the kind of information I had in mind. However, he did refer to a Cardassian’s neck ridges as being a sort of erogenous zone. So now I’m back to overthinking things.

 

                When I first met Garak he left our conversation by placing his hands on my shoulders very purposefully. It was an oddly intimate gesture then but I assumed it was some sort of cultural difference and that Cardassians must have viewed it as almost a sort of handshake. Considering what I’ve now learned, however, I’d say that is definitely not the case. In fact, on a Cardassian, I imagine that would be taken as a very bold flirtation.

 

                That being said, obviously, Garak knows that I am not Cardassian. So it’s highly likely that he hadn’t meant the gesture to be taken with a Cardassian cultural context. But without the Cardassian anatomical information, it’s still an odd thing to do to someone you’ve just met. The more I think about our first conversation, the more I think of it as a sort of predatory advance on his part. I don’t mind a bold approach, but it’s odd to think that there may have been an extremely brazen attempt made and I have somehow completely missed it.

 

                I have lunch scheduled with him tomorrow, which will be our second this week so I am increasing the frequency ever so slightly. Slow and steady wins the race! I actually hope to bring up _Meditations on a Crimson Shadow_ at this lunch as I finished it and would be interested in hearing his thoughts. Obviously, I know he didn’t think highly of it, and I didn’t find it to be anything special but I was pleasantly surprised by an actual plot and characters with growth. I can’t wait to hear him tell me why I’m a complete and utter buffoon for even acknowledging that the story has merit.

 

 

**Entry 2**

 

Garak surprised me by joining me for breakfast this morning. Maybe that would have already happened if I didn’t usually have breakfast in my quarters, or he’s also trying to increase our closeness. It was odd seeing how our relationship is in the morning. While I take a few moments to actually wake up and feel the effects of my caffeine, he’s happily chattering on like he’s been awake for hours. Perhaps he has been awake for hours, I really have no idea how long an average Cardassian sleep cycle is or even what kind of schedule he’s on. The man is highly irregular after all.

 

                I purposefully did not bring up _Meditations_ at breakfast, I doubt I could have handled a debate so early. He didn’t egg me on as usual, though he did list off a few choice criticisms about my haggard appearance and species. Why I’ve chosen to find this man attractive clearly signifies a masochistic side to myself. I did throw back a few insults of my own though. I pointed out that I at least have variety in my look, whereas he is always the same polished picture. He asked why anyone would want to mess with “perfection” and I’m quite proud of my response of “I think I’d rather fancy you looking disheveled.”

 

                Honestly, considering how groggy I was, that was an absolutely brilliant retort and I’m still beaming over it like a schoolboy. What made me most excited was his smirk and widened eyes at that, so I quickly excused myself for my shift as to make sure our conversation ended on that lovely note.

 

                Anyway, the resequencing I had the computer working on has finished so it’s back to work until lunch. I best sharpen my saber, the verbal sparring is bound to be quite interesting today!

 

 

**Entry 3**

 

I’m an absolutely pathetic mess of a child masquerading as a man and one really must wonder how I got through Starfleet Medical. I was doing rather well during our debate, arguing that character growth in a narrative is more effective than the format of the repetitive epic. I will admit that seduction over literary debate is entirely new for me, but I think I’ve adapted well. But then I was completely undermined and sabotaged by none other than Garak himself.

 

                He mentioned how he hoped by dinner time I came to my “senses” or else he’d “have to find someone else to dine with tonight.” Which is easily the most insulting way I’ve ever had anyone invite me to dinner and it surprised me so greatly I began to stumble and lost my train of thought. As I struggled to regain my footing, he simply sat there silently, studying me with those damned icy blue eyes of his. How is a man supposed to focus when he feels as though his very essence is being examined?

 

                To say I floundered through the rest of our conversation would be putting it lightly. Garak eventually seemed to take pity on me and changed the subject to how my work is going, noting that I “don’t look much better than this morning.” So I mumbled and grumbled about how exhausted and busy I’ve been lately, which is true. He suggested I try and enjoy my meal more, claiming there is “nothing quite like a high appreciation of culinary aesthetics to put one’s mind at ease.” I let him lecture me for a bit since I had failed so completely to continue speaking, but then I had to get back to work so here I am agonizing over how much of an idiot I must have looked and going over scenarios in my head to try and keep that from happening at dinner tonight.

 

 

**Entry 4**

 

Garak has an absolutely dizzying intellect and he seems to have only gained more energy after lunch. I’m beginning to think he didn’t even open his shop today and that he only rested in-between meals. Meanwhile, I’ve sliced and drained three different kinds of cysts, prescribed at least ten cough suppressants (something is going around, something always is), and argued extensively with Morn over the fact that he won’t let me examine his second stomach despite the anomalous readings. Garak’s enthusiasm for conversation somehow is wearing me out even more than my full workload.

 

                All this being said, I do enjoy our conversations. I’m glad to have seen so much of him today, though I’m quite pleased things have settled down in the infirmary and I’ll be able to go to bed at around 24:00. Only an hour and a half to go! This is what happens when there’s a Bajoran sort of Sabbath that limits the amount of labor my nurses can do. It thankfully only comes around once every three months, but it can be a nuisance. Also, to be fair, many of the nurses have said they’d be willing to come in if I need them, but I’m not about to ask them to violate their beliefs.

 

                What was I saying before that? I’m so tired I’ve just turned to rambling to myself and I’m trying to justify it by updating my personal log. Brilliant strategy, Julian, they’ll never know you’ve lost it! Oh, that’s right! Garak! So he’s chattering on and on about how he’d been thinking about my reading of _Meditations_ and he believes that my appreciation of character driven narrative over repetitive epic is clear evidence as to how humans have a selfish nature and fail to focus on the whole. I responded with something like, “Oh, the collective over the individual? Is that what you value?” When he confirmed I called him a Borg.

 

                He simply shook his head and said, “the Borg lack elegance.” I suppose I shouldn’t be that surprised that he wouldn’t say, “Hey, the Borg have slaughtered millions and that’s my problem with them” but honestly? “Elegance” is his complaint? When I voiced this shock, he explained how they’re an efficient race and incredibly fascinating and criticized me for dismissing them so easily. I told him not to say that around Commander Sisko. Apparently, he didn’t know about Jennifer Sisko and he was rather surprised to hear about it. Obviously, he knew she was dead, but he hadn’t known how. He said that seemed to be a good case against bringing one’s family on a Starship, I said I rather agree which shocked him.

 

                Of course, I’m not against families being on Starships and I understand the appeal, but it seems so dangerous to me. Not to mention I hate the idea of moving a family around the universe all due to a posting or assignment change. I moved around so much growing up and I absolutely hated it. If you move around a lot you end up never really planting roots with anyone except those traveling with you. I had no one that I saw regularly except my parents and that made our relationship worse since I had no one to vent to about _them_. The O’Briens obviously make it work, but then again a space station is very different than a starship and they met on the Enterprise, so they’ve really only moved the one time as a family.

 

                I’ve gotten off topic again, haven’t I? I suppose that’s a sign I need to stop talking and refocus on work then. I truly can’t wait to be in bed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to post this one early as the next few are going to be a bit short. Hope you enjoy!


	8. Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak has wormed his way into Julian's subconscious.

**Stardate: 2371**

 

**Entry 1**

I actually had a dream about Garak last night. Nothing special or meaningful, and I’ve never been one to put much stock in dreams anyway, but it makes sense as I just spent so much time with him. The dream just had him excitably talking at me about something or other, I can’t really remember the details, all I know is that my adrenaline started pumping and then I knocked over my tea in the dream. Then I woke up. I wonder what Cardassians think about dreams? Do they even have them when they sleep? I’ll have to ask Garak, but I have to go to a medical conference on Klaestron IV today and so I won’t see him for about three days at least. Maybe I’ll inquire about dreams in different humanoids there.


	9. Second Skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian returns from Klaestron IV and there's at least one person on the station who is incredibly happy to see him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my internet was being so wonky so I'm just glad this is finally letting me post. Enjoy!

**Stardate: 2371**

 

**Entry 1**

 

Garak actually greeted me at the airlock! He complimented my arriving “just in time for lunch” so we briefly stopped at my quarters for me to lay my things down (he made a point to _not_ come in, which I’m going to lie awake analyzing for sure) and then we headed to the replimat. He wanted to know essentially everything about Klaestron IV and my travels, saying how lucky I was to have that sort of freedom. I pointed out that he could also leave DS9 and he implied that that was not entirely possible.

 

                I told him my biggest problem with travelling is how it effects my sleep, I tend to have trouble settling down when I’m in a new place and I mentioned that I dream less. This allowed me to bring up dreams to him and he is indeed familiar with the experience. However, I got the impression that a person’s dreams weren’t talked about in detail. In fact, Garak seemed almost wary of the subject, so naturally I pressed forward like the proper bully I am! I told him about the dream I had before I left for the conference that had him in it, he seemed surprised and asked why I would tell him this. I explained that some humans think of dreams as having great meaning, whereas I feel they really are just your brain creating images based on known or witnessed scenarios. He didn’t tell me his views on that, he simply mulled it over with a simple, “How interesting…”

 

                Anyhow, I’m properly exhausted from my trip and lunch with Garak but of course I have a late shift tonight. Though I’m happy to say that tomorrow is my day off. Perhaps I’ll see if Garak’s shop is open tomorrow and torment him with my apparently “horrid aversion to fashion”? We’ll see.

 

 

**Entry 2**

 

Quick update before I finally pass out. Garak asked me to join him for a late night snack, still as energetic as ever. I do want to spend more time with him but a man can only do so much in one day so I had to turn him down. I made it quite clear that I am exhausted and then he basically said, “No, you’re going to eat with me so that way I can tell you actually important information about Major Kira.” I brought him to Odo. He was not pleased but if he was expecting me to go on another private adventure with him while I’m this worn out, then he’d need to offer me something more enticing as an incentive than a “late night snack.” And now, at last, my head can hit the pillow.

 

 

**Entry 3**

 

So Garak is on some mission on the Defiant with Commander Sisko and a few others, it seems Major Kira is in trouble. I anticipate being called to the infirmary once they come back, because I doubt they’re going to get out of this mission unscathed. Still, I actually got a good night sleep so maybe I’ll just nap today and try to prepare myself for a possible late night’s work.

 

 

**Entry 4**

 

Major Kira was surgically altered to look like a Cardassian by the Obsidian Order! It was some plot to weed out a dissident leader and, honestly, I don’t feel like recapping the whole thing in my personal log but good lord, is this the kind of thing Garak used to do? I was able to change her back, of course, it was all cosmetic surgery after all, but I don’t think she believed my assurances until she saw her Bajoran reflection in the mirror. She actually hugged me when she’d been “cured” and kissed my cheek when I made sure to tell her that biologically she is absolutely one-hundred percent Bajoran. Who knows? Maybe she’ll actually call me a friend and I won’t feel her rolling her eyes at everything I say one day! One can only hope…

 

                She told me that Garak killed the man that did all of this to her. His name was apparently Entek and Garak just shot him with a phaser. I thought about asking why Garak had even been given a phaser, but honestly that’s the least problematic thing about this entire story. I’m trying to remind myself that Entek was a very bad man who did very bad things but I’m also cursing myself for still only thinking, “I hope Garak’s alright” when I should be thinking, “He’s a cold blooded killer and you should stay away from him.” I would seek therapy if I didn’t seem to relish in the insanity so much.


	10. Civil Defense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak helps the Ops crew when the station activates an old program left by Gul Dukat. The more time Julian spends with Garak, the more he keeps thinking...

**Stardate: 2371**

 

**Entry 1**

 

Oh, lord, where to begin? I suppose I should be grateful I was in Ops when the station decided it was time to threaten gassing Bajoran workers and destroy the station. I can’t imagine how useless I would have felt in the infirmary. Plus, I was able to treat Jadzia’s hands when they got burned so that there won’t be any permanent damage. And, all in all, we survived another dangerous scenario and I have a thrilling tale to woo people with.

 

                Garak was central to our survival. It seems while the station believed it was still under Occupation law, it recognized Garak as an authority figure. I really enjoy seeing him in his element, intrigue and intelligence work that is. I think the main thing I learned from this experience is that I am hopelessly smitten with the man. It’s relatively sickening how vulnerable and warm he makes me feel. We hid under one of the desks in Ops when the replicator started firing at us, I indulged myself and took his hand while we were there. I didn’t see his face, I made a point to be looking away, but he didn’t move his hand until Dukat appeared.

 

                Dukat brings me to a whole other point. Garak accused Dukat of flirting with Major Kira, and based on his reaction, I believe Garak was right. It hadn’t seemed particularly flirtatious, what Dukat had been saying, it was basically the same egotistical preening he usually did: “I’m brilliant and I have everything under control.” But perhaps that’s how Cardassians flirt? If so, that’s rather disheartening for me as I don’t really feel Garak has acted that way toward me (not that I would particularly enjoy that method, but flirting in general would be nice.)

 

                Also, as if my feelings for Garak weren’t complicated enough, it seems he is at least partly responsible for the death of Gul Dukat’s father! I tried to find any information on Procal Dukat, other than his trial, there isn’t much. I watched the footage of his trial, it wasn’t long, Cardassian legal affairs tend to move quickly. He’d apparently involved himself in some criminal affairs to further his position and protect him from the law. I don’t know what they did to him to get him to confess, but one can make a deduction based on the wounds and bruises that were evident on his face. I was able to find that he was sentenced to life in prison but he was killed for “disobedience.”

 

                Now, Procal Dukat seems to have been a bad man, and if his son is any evidence, then he certainly was. But how many times am I going to say, “Well, what Garak did was excusable this time because that man was cruel.” Two wrongs hardly make a right, and how do I even _know_ that to be the case anyway? It’s not as if Cardassian trials are fair. I’m worried because the fact is, I fear Garak. I am genuinely afraid of the man and what he could possibly do. And yet for some psychologically damaged reason, I want nothing more than to be close to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, I'm keeping up with my daily updates! I hope you're all still enjoying this fic, it's an absolute joy to write :)


	11. Heart of Stone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Ensign Vilix'Pran is expecting, Julian decides to get him some baby clothes.

**Stardate: 2371, 48521.5**

 

**Entry 1**

 

Ensign Vilix’pran is budding for the first time and I’m happy to report that it will be twins! That’s the least that a healthy male Hydratera can have, and as it will be my first time with a pregnant Hydratera, I’m thankful to not have twelve nymphs in need of attention. Vilix’pran is absolutely ecstatic to say the least, he started telling me how legacy is so important to his people and he’s glad to finally be in a position where he feels he can start a family. His children will all be near identical genetic copies of him, which is what I find most fascination about asexual reproduction, but their biological sex can differ.

 

                Miles and I are throwing a baby shower for Pran and the Chief is excited to start work on a hatchling pond for the nymphs. I went to Garak’s to ask him to make some baby clothes and, as usual, the man was a sea of questions. It seems he’s been just looking for an excuse to ask about the Hydratera, but felt it impolite to ask his questions during a fitting or wing-slit alteration. I asked him what question would actually give _him_ pause, and he leaned in conspiratorially and said, “Why would a race that reproduces asexually have any use for gender?” I pointed out that gender is an individual identity issue and then he uncomfortably had to make his question more precise. “But why would he have testicles?”

 

                I don’t think I’ve ever seen Garak look quite as awkward as he did when he had to refer to a sex organ. I laughed and teased him, of course, inquiring how he even knew that Pran had testicles at all. Garak told me “not to ask questions as a way to avoid answering them.” I’d possibly assume that Garak had slept with the individual in question, but since it’s Pran I know that’s not possible as the Hydratera only have sexual intercourse to reproduce when resources are too scarce for their body to have the energy to bud. Garak asked if I had ever seduced a Hydratera as a sort of challenge of a usually unobtainable mate, which is a very odd assertion of my character. I explained to him how since the parents die after sexual reproduction, I most certainly have not indulged in quite that way.

 

                Then Garak said something that completely threw me: “My dear doctor, one night with you would not be a bad way to go, I’m sure.” And, honestly, how was I supposed to respond to that? The issue is that now, hours later as I’m entering this into my log, I can think of hundreds of wildly clever comebacks such as, “would you like to find out?” or “No one ever wants only _one_ night with me.” or anything remotely like that would have been better than my actual reaction. In the moment, I merely giggled like an absolute child and blushed so greatly that I’m sure I was radiating enough heat to even make Garak feel uneasy. He then walked up right beside me, put his hand tenderly on my shoulder and showed me a PADD with baby clothing designs, asking me if those would do. I could only nod, to which he smirked like an absolute villain and then pulled away with a simple, “Excellent! Will there be anything else, doctor?”

 

                So here I am, unable to sleep because I can only think about the meaning of shoulder touches and his damned innuendos. I swear, this man is going to kill me from sleep deprivation alone, the way I agonize over everything he says and does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is low-key my favorite chapter because I did so much scientific research on asexual reproduction and why an alien would use masculine pronouns if they reproduced asexually. I came up with the name "Hydratera" for the species as the "Hydra" is a microorganism that reproduces through budding but also develops testes or ovaries so that they can reproduce before they die if conditions are bad (gotta keep the species alive!) and "tera" comes from the Greek term for "winged." Can you tell my parents are scientists? Great conversation btw, "Dad, it's time for the sex talk. The sex of asexually reproducing organisms sex talk." 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


	12. Distant Voices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian's turning 30 and a Lethean named Altovar wants to purchase Biomimetic gel.

**Stardate: 2371**

 

**Entry 1**

 

Alright, so my damned thirtieth birthday is coming up and as ridiculous and immature as it is, I don’t want to think or talk about it but it was the catalyst to another interesting conversation with Garak. For starters: he gave me a birthday gift early because he said he couldn’t wait, it’s a holoprogram of a Cardassian Enigma tale. Putting the disappointing aspect of the gift itself aside, what does it mean that he couldn’t wait to give it to me? I mean, it’s one thing to have remembered my birthday and to have gotten me something, but to be particularly excited to gift it? Also, when I tried to explain how turning thirty and saying goodbye to youth is somewhat of a negative experience, Garak stressed that Cardassians view age as a sign of “dignity and power.” I honestly have no idea what age Garak is, but he’s definitely my senior by at least a decade, so was this his way of trying to make himself seem more attractive to me? I’m probably just reading too much into the damn thing.

 

                I already made a note of this in my official medical log, but I should mention that a Lethean who is associated with Quark tried to purchase biomimetic gel from me, right there in the replimat. Of course I turned him away and explained the legality of the situation, lord only knows why he wants it, but he can’t have it. The Lethean interrupting lunch was annoying, but what was worse was that it gave Quark an excuse to talk to us and I’m quite sure he suspects my feelings for Garak and is trying to somehow make a profit off it at this point. He tried to get us to move to his establishment, saying he just introduced a new lunch menu, I’m quite sure that if I hadn’t shut him up with a stern, “goodbye, Quark” he would have made some comment about how the atmosphere would be more romantic. I don’t know if Garak suspects my feelings or reciprocates them beyond casual flirtation, but I don’t want him to know that my lack of subtlety has _Quark_ aware. He would laugh at my “inability to hide a thing” and I’d ultimately ruin my chances. No, Quark, we will not be eating at your bar.

 

 

**Entry 2**

 

I’m recuperating quite well since Altovar assaulted me. Still, I have today off to “rest” but I’m hardly in need of it seeing how I was just in a coma. So, in classic Julian Subatoi Bashir fashion, I am wasting away my time overthinking everything!

 

                Each person represented a different aspect of my personality, I was able to figure that out during my coma. However, I wasn’t able to identify what each person represented. For example, Quark. What did he represent? He had seemed more aware of things than everyone else in the hallucination, even warning me to stay nearer to the infirmary where I ended up needing to go in the end to save myself. Could he be my insight? After all, he is the person to go to on the station for information, plus it was his initial insinuation that made me first start actually acknowledging my feelings for Garak.

 

                And then there’s Garak. Obviously, he ended up being Altovar, manipulating me to try and lead me astray, but why would Altovar choose that role? I’m also trying to discern whether or not it was my mind that cast Altovar in the whole series of events, or if that is part of the Lethean attack itself. I think it’s a mixture. The real Altovar wasn’t nearly as imposing as the one in my mind, so my subconscious definitely had some input, but was Garak always Altovar or did he only become him when the idea crossed my mind, making it so? If Garak did represent something in my mind, I’m having trouble discerning what he would have been. The Garak in my mind was more helpful than I think the real Garak would be, I do think the real Garak would have helped me but I think he would be second-guessing me more and countering my ideas with his own. In fact, this Garak was so accommodating and forthcoming, he seemed more like the Garak from the Founders’ simulation than reality.

 

                Is that just the best way to manipulate me? Have Garak at my side, helping me along the way, so that I’m thoroughly distracted by him instead of realizing the deceit? My own mind has used him to throw me off in two different near-death situations now. Each time, that Garak has just been a bit more heroic, walked a little bit closer (or even physically supported me), and smiled at me just a tad warmer. And each time I’ve been able to handle myself just a bit more confidently than normally when I am with him. It’s like him being a bit more accommodating makes him just submissive enough that I’m able to compose myself. I need to stop with these fantasy versions of people I like being submissive. Jadzia was embarrassing enough, I can’t imagine the level of offense Garak would feel.

 

                Do I desire submissive partners or do I just desire that I was more dominant? I keep falling for incredibly intimidating individuals, so I definitely don’t seem to be drawn to naturally submissive people. That being said, I like feeling as though I’m initiating flirtations and guiding the innuendos. Of course, that’s hardly ever the case with Garak, he’s the king of innuendos, but does that make him more intimidating and therefore more attractive to me? If so, is there a sort of fantasy of myself that these other fantasies allow to be possible, where I am able to hold my own with these imposing figures? The human brain is absolutely staggering and it’s a damn good thing I didn’t go into psychiatry because I already am bumbling through this attempt at psychoanalyzing myself. If I had a degree in the field, I’d probably have committed myself to an asylum or prescribed myself a staggering amount of sedatives by now. Perhaps I should get a holosuite and play a little tennis against a difficult opponent to work off this energy, as overthinking is (as usual) getting me nowhere.

 

 

**Entry 3**

 

                Lunch with Garak was absolutely lovely! He stopped by the infirmary and invited me to join him in the replimat, which was a pleasant surprise as it didn’t follow our usual schedule. He was very interested in what I was experiencing during my coma and when I told him, he claimed that the fact that he eventually became Altovar is evidence that I still don’t trust him. I was about to argue, but then he smiled and said that there may still be hope for me in that case. I can only imagine his disappointed look if I explained to him that I think his role during my coma means something entirely different, that it may even be that Altovar took on his appearance because I trust Garak _too_ much.

 

                As we continued to talk, I realized that he seemed rather exhausted and was eating more fattening foods, considering he had just been telling me that he wanted to lose weight. He’d also said that I wasn’t lucky to have survived the attack, Cardassians apparently don’t believe in luck, he applauded my own capabilities to make it out alive. Perhaps this is vain, but I think he had been genuinely worried about me while I was out. I mean, we are friends, but I think it may have been more than that... Based on his appearance, Garak might have lost sleep over me and he seems to be stress eating. Of course, if I asked him he would probably say something about a difficult customer who was causing him ill, but when has he ever told me the truth? I shouldn’t ask that question, otherwise, I’ll overthink about the answer as always.

 

                I apologized to Garak about dismissing Cardassian enigma tales. I never liked the concept that everyone’s guilty and the only challenge is figuring out who is guilty of what, but now I see the appeal. I explained that knowing everyone I saw during my coma were all just parts of my mind but trying to understand what part they were was actually rather satisfying. Also, if I hadn’t made that deduction, I wouldn’t have realized that Altovar was manipulating me. Perhaps my psyche decided to make a pseudo enigma tale because Garak had just gifted me one. He said he was pleased that I came to “understand the brilliance of Shoggoth” but requested I try not to go comatose again just to agree with his literary preferences. I had to laugh at that, and I recommended he read Shakespeare’s, _Julius Caesar._ I feel like he’ll enjoy that one.

 


	13. Improbable Cause

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When there's an explosion in Garak's shop, Julian worries for his friend's life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna be away this weekend, so I'm posting this one early. Enjoy!

**Stardate: 2371**

 

**Entry 1**

 

There are so many things I want to say in this log. If lunch had ended a bit sooner, I would be commenting on how Garak seemed to almost be complaining about how busy I am while he’s not, which could signify that he wants to spend more time with me. But at the same time, he was late to lunch and absolutely despised Caesar so perhaps my update would be a little more miffed? If there hadn’t been an explosion in Garak’s shop, I would probably be agonizing over whether or not giving a person chocolates means the same thing to Cardassians that it does to humans. Cardassians seem to place a high value on food, so maybe it even has more significance to them? Especially seeing how Delavian chocolates are hard to get your hands on, surely that has to mean _something_ , right?

 

                Well, I’ll have time to torture myself later, because what _did_ happen was an explosion in Garak’s shop. It’s lucky that it happened right after our lunch, as I was able to get to him immediately which is crucial as he ended up having a concussion. A concussion wouldn’t be so worrisome if it hadn’t been for Garak’s previous abuse of his implant, meaning that the breakdown of his cranial nerve cluster made him more susceptible to intracranial hemorrhage. However, quick access to treatment prevented that and I was able to normalize him. I’m mostly just relieved he survived, someone is obviously trying to kill him. 

  
                Of course Garak was as evasive as usual. Not listing any real enemies as possible culprits but instead listing random inconsequential people and even Major Kira! I told him the story of the _Boy Who Cried Wolf_ to try and explain that he’s hard to help if he always lies. He claims the moral to the story is that you should never tell the same lie twice. Doesn’t he realize how serious this is? Someone tried to have him killed and he’s acting like the whole damn thing is another game! Worse yet, he even stopped by the infirmary after I discharged him just to gift me those Delavian chocolates he’d promised. He can’t actually expect me to take anything from him right now when he’s at risk for his life, can he? I’m touched by the gesture, but shouldn’t I be the one giving him chocolates given the present circumstances? I just hope that Odo can solve this mess before Garak gets himself hurt.

 

 

**Entry 2**

 

So now it seems the Romulans are the ones who have tried to kill Garak through two different methods. First, the explosion, the next being some Flaxian assassin who had some kind of chemical poisons disguised as perfumes. I shouldn’t be surprised that the Romulans want Garak dead. Of course he has enemies on Romulus, why wouldn’t he? Anyway, before the Flaxian was killed leaving the station, Garak let me know that he was going to pursue the man with Odo. I asked him why he was telling me this, seeing how I was quite sure he wasn’t supposed to be accompanying Odo on this investigation, and he said “So you don’t worry. I’m sure I’ll be back in time for our next lunch.”

 

                Was that just a made up reason for telling me or does he know that I’d actually worry? Are my feelings so obvious? I mean, yes, I’m quite aware that they are _that_ obvious but then why hasn’t he done anything about it? I would have thought that was maybe him taking pity on me, the lovesick fool, but then he came right back to me to tell me about the Flaxian’s exploding vessel, which is how we know about his involvement with the Romulans. He seemed incredibly frustrated by this sudden dead end and asked if I was very busy, saying he could use some good conversation. I had a half hour longer in my shift, but I told him he was welcome to stay and torment me while I worked and that then I’d be happy to give him my full attention.

 

                This is where we get into the mixed signals again. He happily made commentary on everything I did around the infirmary and would periodically peer over my shoulder just a bit too close for comfort. At one point when he was particularly close to my ear, I heard his tongue quickly dart in and out of his mouth and I looked at him in what could probably only be described as utter horror. He said, “Come now, doctor, you can’t wear that intoxicating cologne and expect me not to inhale, can you?” Or something like that. I felt like such a cliché when I told him I wasn’t wearing cologne, to which he began smelling me in his very reptilian way EVEN MORE. In my attempt to lean away from this very odd display, I may have seemed to be lowering myself on the exam table as he kept drawing nearer and I’m afraid my nurses may have been relatively scandalized by what they probably perceived as a lead up to workplace sex. However, I would have been able to correct that assertion when nothing inevitably would happen, but instead Odo entered and said he needed to talk to Garak. So now it looks like to everyone observing that we were definitely going to be intimate, but were interrupted by Odo.

 

                No matter how sure everyone else may be about what our relationship is, I still have no idea whatsoever! Was that an actual sexual advance or just Garak being Garak? And the worst part of this is now Garak isn’t available for whatever conversation he would have liked to have had, and I will admit that I am aroused without an outlet. I should probably just go to Quark’s and see if there are any prospects, it would definitely help dissuade the rumors that are definitely about to be circling. This would all be easier if Garak would simply make his intentions known so that way I could just sleep with him or move on properly, but alas, he is a scoundrel.

 

 

**Entry 3**

 

Walking Garak to the airlock was more painful than I anticipated. He’s never actually left before, I’m always the one who comes and goes from the station. I felt completely useless, just awkwardly asking him if there was anything I could do for him while he’s away. I suppose that was better than begging him not to go or reminding him for the thousandth time to be careful, but seeing if he had any “unfinished business” seems a bit melodramatic. He obviously thought so too as he toyed with me and made up some tale about a false panel in his room and needing me to eat a datarod that could be found there. He admitted to joking but part of me wants to break into his quarters and check, you never know with him.

 

                I gave him back the Delavian chocolates, but I was careful to make sure he didn’t view it as a rejection. I told him that I thought he could use them more than me and he seemed to be touched by the sentiment. My goal with this was that if I gave him literally the exact same gift, he would respond knowing what that gift meant. However, I don’t feel like I learned a thing. What was I expecting? That we’d passionately kiss goodbye, I’d wave a handkerchief at his departure, and we’d swear to never forget each other? I need to stop being such a hopeless romantic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeeeee, Garak, get that doctor D~~~~~


	14. The Die Is Cast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak still hasn't come back and Julian is wondering if he ever will.

**Stardate: 2371**

 

**Entry 1**

 

I have officially lost all self-respect for myself as I openly admitted to Miles that I miss Garak. Of all the people to admit that to, I think Miles may be the worst. Don’t get me wrong, the Chief is an excellent man and I value our friendship greatly, but I doubt he understands my affection for a Cardassian. He did tell me something rather interesting about Cardassians though. Apparently, one of those Cardassian scientists that had come to the station about a month ago had mistakenly believed that Miles was flirting with her! I asked him what he did to give her that impression, he said that apparently arguing was how Cardassians flirt. He told me this very… carefully. He was clearly warning me that Garak may have ulterior motives with our “lunchtime debates” but the Chief being the Chief, he didn’t want to outright say it.

 

                I had to stifle grinning like a complete idiot at that revelation, luckily Miles was then called to Ops. But here’s my problem, what do I even do with this information? Garak isn’t around and despite Miles’ assurances that the runabout couldn’t have been destroyed, what else am I to think? Giving him Delavian chocolates was a stupid idea, I should have insisted on accompanying Garak and Odo. Maybe that’s even more foolish, I don’t know, I just know that I don’t like feeling as if Garak isn’t coming back.

 

 

**Entry 2**

 

Garak isn’t coming back. It’s certain this time and yet I’m convincing myself that there’s hope. Enabran Tain is planning a strike against the Founders and either Garak is dead or working alongside him. If he’s alive, then he’ll never return to DS9, he’ll follow Tain to the ends of the Universe and not even think about looking back. If I ever meant anything to him romantically, it was only as a dalliance. Maybe that’s a bit too hard on myself? During his withdrawal he _did_ admit that the one thing he looked forward to on the station was having lunch with me. But how meaningful is that, really? I was the least terrible thing about a place that made him resort to self-harm? That’s hardly a great feat.

 

                I’ve said, like everyone else on the Defiant, that I’m volunteering to get Odo back, but I know that I’m still fooling myself that I’ll be able to bring Garak back home. He would probably sneer at me calling DS9 his home, but I want him to view it as such. How selfish is that? I wouldn’t go to Cardassia if he asked me to after this mission. I didn’t leave my Starfleet career for Palis and I wouldn’t leave it for him, how can I desire him to throw away his career for the second time just because we flirt? It’s not like he can’t find Shakespeare he won’t like anywhere else. For all I know, he could have some sweetheart that he thought he’d never see again on Cardassia, and now with the prospect of going home, he’ll be able to see them again.

 

                This jealousy is so unwarranted. We’re not involved, we never have been, and I’m beginning to feel we never will be. It’s not as if I’ve been saving myself for him, and there’s no real reason I should be. And yet, I’m deluding myself into hoping that he’ll feel some commitment toward me, that something will keep him from never seeing me again. And I’m deluding myself even more into hoping that that something that gets him to stay _is_ me.

 

 

**Entry 3**

 

When Garak beamed aboard with Odo, the first thing I noticed was the mark on his face from some kind of hit. He alluded to it having saved his life, but he didn’t elaborate. I took him to the infirmary, to treat any injuries, but also to talk to him a bit in private. He was definitely surprised when I hugged him tightly and just held him for a few moments. He told me I really need to read less Shakespeare, claiming that the melodrama was obviously infectious. I told him not to worry me like that again and that he’s an idiot.

 

                It was really just the one bruise that I had to treat, a few scrapes that he hadn’t even noticed here and there, but nothing major. I scanned him to make sure I hadn’t missed anything and then asked if he was okay. “Surely your tricorder would give you a more honest answer to that question than me.” Is what he said, knowing full well that I wasn’t asking if he was _physically_ okay. I just asked the question again, more firmly. We shared a tense moment of silence then, he didn’t have to tell me that he’d lost something important to him, his eyes said it all, but only for a moment. Suddenly they were bright and happy, that casual smile reaching them and he was blinking in confusion, wondering what I could _possibly_ be implying.

 

                I suppose that answers the question as to whether or not Tain is dead. I don’t know why he still cares about the man, unless it’s just that he needed him to return to Cardassia. I can understand him wanting to go home, as much as I don’t want him to. I don’t think it’s likely he’ll ever get to go back now. I wanted him to stay on the station, but not like this. I don’t want him to feel trapped, I want him to feel as if DS9 is his new home. It doesn’t even have to be DS9, though I want him near me, but I just want him to live somewhere that he can be safe and at ease. Since DS9 is where he’s chosen to take up residence, I want it to be that somewhere for him. I want to help make it that for him.

                Garak has a point, I certainly am becoming more and more melodramatic. However, I hardly blame Shakespeare. If anything, I blame his horrid Cardassian literature.

 


	15. Explorers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old Med School rival visits the station and Julian drinks.

 

**Stardate: 2371**

 

**Entry 3**

 

Even Garak has heard about Elisabeth Lense! How many people did Jadzia tell? Garak actually stopped by the infirmary to beg me to either be in uniform when she arrives or let him choose something for me to wear. “I’d hate for you to embarrass yourself in front of an old rival.” I told him to mind his own damned business, which I think just made him more interested. He said that how I present myself aesthetically should be the most important thing I focus on when Dr. Lense arrives. I pointed out that our rivalry was based on intellect, so that should be my main focus and he actually _tutted_ at me!

 

                “You can’t magically take the title of Valedictorian away from her. That ship has left the station, doctor. Not to mention she will have already formed her opinion on you personally, so she either already thinks very highly or very lowly of you.” I find it strange that he acts as if those are the only two opinions people can have of me. He continued: “However, what you can change is whether or not she sees you as successful. If she has a negative opinion of you, she will be all the more critical. You must look your best in all ways.” I asked him if this is how he sells clothing to all his customers and he scoffed, claiming he wasn’t just talking about clothes.

 

                Garak began walking around the infirmary and questioning why each item was placed where it was, saying I obviously don’t care how my own workplace looks and he claims Lense will definitely notice that. He even suggested that I have _Leeta on my arm_ when I first see Dr. Lense! I only just _met_ Leeta and Garak was certainly not around at the time; but he spoke about how she’s an attractive young lady who is apparently a hobbyist in sociology (I hadn’t gotten that far in my conversation with her, I’m curious as to why he knows so much) and he thinks she would do nicely to illustrate that I am “sexually active.” THOSE WERE HIS WORDS.

 

                There are so many things about that conversation that left me dazed. For starters: does he want me to pursue something with Leeta? If he’s aware of my feelings and doesn’t feel the same way, it’s highly possible he’s using her as a way out, but then why would he always be so flirtatious if he wanted to dissuade me? He could be jealous and daring me to test him, but that feels like a stretch. I’m honestly going to have to put that all aside to deal with the other, more pressing issue which is: how bad does the infirmary really look? I’m in my office now, the _Lexington_ should be here today and I can’t help but feel that maybe some things would look better pushed to the side.

 

                I can’t keep just distracting myself with log entries. Garak’s gotten into my head (as he always does) so I guess I’ll just waste time by repositioning and questioning everything. Grow up, Julian.

 

 

**Entry 4**

 

Captain’s log, Stardate: Insecure O’clock!

 

I mean, she just walked _right past me!_ She didn’t even say hello, not even a nod or a shocked look of recognition! I may as well have not been there! The whole station was watching, Quark and Morn were _betting_ on how our talking would go, and now they’ve all seen how pathetic I looked! Fuck, Garak probably was there. I mean, he wasn’t really there, he was hiding. He hides. He slithers. Maybe he’s here right now. Garak? Garak, it’s very rude to spy on me while I’m drunk! In fact, it’s rude to spy normally, did your mummy never tell you that? Garak? I imagine Shoggoth and Preloc were lovers and they hate-fucked over how much they despise _The Never-ending Sacrifice!_ …Alright, the coast is clear, he would have responded to that.

 

                But oh, how am I going to stand the next time I see Garak? He’ll probably tut again like the tutting tutter he is over how I didn’t follow his advice. My dear doctor, why didn’t you just fuck Leeta right in Quark’s? She was working the Dabo wheel, surely Quark wouldn’t have minded if you’d borrowed her for a few moments of very public and very confusing sex! In fact, I would have loved to have watched, I would have flirted with you and critiqued your form during the entire show and left you even more confused as to where we stand. Yes, that’s how we impress our rivals in the Obsidian Order. Exhibitionism.

 

                Why do people hate me? Worse, why is the only other option that they love me? Garak implied it earlier and then Miles said! That means it’s true! It’s been scientifically proven at this point. Miles doesn’t hate me, I’m going to cry. He loves me. If he weren’t happily married I would have kissed the grumpy little engineer right there! When I first met him I thought he was cute, did I make a log about that? And then I found out about Keiko and Molly and all that. Never let it be said that Julian Bashir is a homewrecker! Not to mention, I think Miles is painfully heterosexual, but I have been known to change minds before! _And_ he _loves_ me. Does he even _realize?_ Ha!

 

                But does Garak love me? I don’t think he does. I mean, if he did, he wouldn’t have said, “doctor, go have sex with the pretty Dabo girl” Unless he wants a threesome? Oh, Garak, why don’t you just say something outright? If he doesn’t love me, that means he hates me. I don’t want him to hate me, Kukalaka! You will always love me, right, Kukalaka? …Oh, I see, you’re giving me the silent treatment. Lovely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drunk and sexually frustrated Julian is basically just a mess.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!


	16. Worst Taste in Men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian has begun sleeping with Leeta, but he feels he needs to tell her something important.

 

**Stardate: 2371**

 

**Entry 1**

 

I told Leeta about Garak. To say she was surprised would be an understatement. I mean, we’ve been fooling around for a few weeks now but she knew there was something off, so I had to tell her. Despite her shock, she honestly responded very well. Although she did laugh at me, not that I blame her, I’m a mess. You know what she said to me? She said that I have the absolute worst taste in men, and she is absolutely right. _This_ is the guy I pine over?

 

                Anyway, she asked what I wanted to do moving forward. I said that was up to her and she basically said that we could keep seeing each other, she hadn’t really been expecting a commitment from me before (should I be offended?) so she doesn’t mind a “friends with benefits” type arrangement. Also, having a member of the senior staff as her pseudo-boyfriend keeps a lot of the creeps on the station away from her. She made sure I was alright with it though, which I am. It keeps me from being lonely and as long as we’re on the same page, it all should be fine.

 

                I asked her what I should do about Garak and her advice was to get over him. I don’t think it was bigotry against Cardassians, or even mistrust of Garak, but more of that she doesn’t see us together. I do see her perspective, I suppose. It’s not like I’m making any progress, all I’ve been getting from it is less sleep, but I did explain to her that I really don’t see myself “getting over him” anytime soon and she just smiled and nodded. At least she’s aware so I don’t feel like I’m lying and she even offered to help me flirt with him, which is such an odd arrangement that I can’t help but accept. I have no idea what she has in mind, but I guess I’m going to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so short (rip) so I'm going to post another one tonight so keep an eye out for that!
> 
> I view Julian as someone who's not going to deny himself when no commitment has been made, but he is honest so he wouldn't want anyone to get hurt. And I've always felt that Leeta knew that and was cool with it.
> 
> Comments and kudos if you enjoyed!


	17. Way of the Warrior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the Klingons arrive on the station, Garak gets himself in trouble almost immediately.

 

**Stardate: 2372, 49011.4**

 

**Entry 1**

 

With Klingons all over the station, the infirmary has been a bit busy, luckily it’s mostly just been minor injuries. Morn can certainly take a beating and still only need a dermal regenerator to set him right as rain. But who would be my first major patient of the day? None other than Garak.

 

                So, of course, the man speaks Klingon (why am I even surprised) and that somehow involved him in an exchange where General Martok’s son, Drex, was hurling insults at Odo. I didn’t get any real details, but how like Garak to stick up for someone in a positively infuriating and sarcastic way. Naturally, the Klingons decided that ganging up on him in his shop and brutalizing him was somehow honorable. I honestly don’t understand Klingon ideals about honor. I like their music, most of their food, and I find their religious practices interesting, but how honor can be viewed as so valuable and yet almost always result in brute force? It boggles my mind.

 

                Garak won’t press charges, no matter how ridiculous that seems. He eventually changed the subject of the Klingons to Leeta, actually. He asked what I was saying to her about him because apparently, she has not so subtly taken a friendly liking to him. I asked why he thought it was _my_ fault he could have possibly made a friend and he noted that it only occurred after she and I had been seeing each other for some time, but she only speaks to him when I’m not around. His working theory is that I’ve told her that he’s dangerous and that she should stay away (explaining why she never speaks to him in my presence), but her interest in sociology is making her curious so she can’t help herself. I countered that maybe she’s been flirting with him and she’s attempting to step out on me. He assured me of two things: 1. He would never violate our friendship in that way and 2. That it was very unlikely _anyone_ would ever want to cheat on me.

              

                 WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? For starters, Leeta and I are going to need to talk because I honestly have no idea how this is helping, it just seems like the oddest wing-woman tactic I have ever heard of. Secondly, he’s obviously implying I’m a catch, right? That’s not something a friend casually says to someone… Unless they’re trying to reassure an insecure friend. Which, yes, I am relatively insecure about a lot of things but I had clearly implied infidelity as a joke. I’m beginning to think the man purposefully antagonized the Klingons so he’d end up in my infirmary just so that way he could confuse me.

 

 

**Entry 2**

 

I’m worried about Garak. We were able to tip him off about the Klingon invasion of Cardassia, and I’m sure he passed the information along, but he’s understandably upset. Of course, he wouldn’t talk about it directly. I went into Quark’s to find him at the bar with a bottle of Kanar and talking to Quark. He announced: “Ah, look, it’s Bubbly Bashir!” When I tried to ask what that meant, they both ignored the question and offered me some root beer. I took the glass dubiously and tried to figure out what they were getting at. I pointed out that it was under carbonated, either from sitting too long or a fault in the replicator and they looked aghast at the concept of the beverage having more bubbles normally.

 

                Next thing I know we’re discussing the properties and merits of drinks from different species. I pointed out that while I’m trying to develop a taste for Kanar, I find it too syrupy. Quark said the viscosity isn’t his issue with it, it’s the sweetness. Garak, of course, said something cryptic with, “That would hardly bother the doctor. He takes his Tarkaelean tea extra sweet and his girls even sweeter.” Quark disagreed as apparently, he doesn’t find Leeta’s thinking for herself sweet, but instead, he views it as a nuisance. I seized the opportunity to say, “Garak’s just buttering her and me up since he’s hoping for a threesome.” _That_ had Garak choking on his Kanar. It also had Quark relatively disgusted by the image, but I’m going to call it a victory.

 

                Suddenly Garak preferred talking about what was actually bothering him: The Klingons. Perhaps next time he dodges one of my questions I should just proposition him, as it seems he’d rather talk about anything than give me a clear hint as to what he wants from me.

 

 

**Entry 3**

 

                Have I mentioned lately that I hate Gul Dukat? As if what he did to Rugal, his incessant flirting with Major Kira, and arrogance weren’t all enough, he and Garak both came into the infirmary after the Klingon attack on the station and he DEMANDED he be treated immediately. He had no urgent needs, there were people who’d been _stabbed_ dangerously close to their hearts and he had the gall to attempt to cut ahead. I just ignored him, he already knows I don’t like him at this point, and it’s not like he’s ever going to be a fan of me after the whole orphan incident.

 

                As I focused on the patients actually requiring my quick attention, I could hear Garak antagonizing Dukat even more, which honestly was incredibly amusing. “Dukat, stop complaining. You can either wait for Dr. Bashir or risk letting the doctor from your ship treat your wounds. Not a big fan of you, is she?” I have to say, that piqued my interest as I stitched up some injuries. Work went quickly, as we had our full staff working and many people were just coming in for a dermal regenerator or plasti-fuse which hardly takes much time. When I got to Dukat (it may have been a twenty-minute wait for him, at most) he _marveled_ at how “inefficient” my infirmary is and claimed the doctors on Cardassia are much faster. I told him that if I went quickly, we’d miss out on what a lovely conversation we’re having. He sneered. He does that often around me.

 

                He left once I was done so Garak happily came up to me next and while I treated his wounds he said, “Doctor, I’m the one who bickers with Dukat, you’re the one who stays the pure and noble image of a Starfleet professional.” I said that he must be rubbing off on me, which, by the way, would have been a perfect opportunity for him to say that he’d prefer to be rubbing _up_ on me, but I digress. Instead, he asked if Leeta had made me more critical of Cardassians. I couldn’t believe it!

 

                I asked him why he keeps bringing up Leeta and he joked that maybe I was right about the two of them flirting. I told him to stop deflecting and just tell me what he’s driving at and he acted all innocent with, “Am I not allowed to take an interest in your personal life? It’s not like you’ve been volunteering much information about her. The whole station knows you two are involved but you’ve yet to make your declarations of love or even take her out. It’s very unlike you.” I couldn’t contain my smile. The man has been fishing for information on how committed I am to Leeta this entire time! I laughed and told him that we’re not that serious, but that’s hardly a thing she and I would be bragging about. I explained to him that she and I are simply friends that enjoy some intimacy, but it doesn’t go deeper than that. He called it scandalous, and I am happy to say that I had to lean in anyway to get to a scar on the back of his neck and was able to purr, “Jealous?”

 

                I’ll have to look up what Cardassian scales darkening in color (a blue like tinge, which I saw him sporting in his Chufa earlier) means because that’s the only visible reaction he gave. Then he quickly left and I had to continue with my work. I think it’s safe to say progress is being made though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Julian finally got to give some of his own back! These two...
> 
> Hope you enjoy! Comments and kudos are always appreciated~


	18. Our Man Bashir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian worries about how his relationship with Garak has been affected by their time in the holosuite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another short chapter, but I will be uploading the next one in a couple of minutes! :)

**Stardate: 2372**

 

**Entry 2**

 

To say that my previously mentioned “enjoyment in the holosuite” did not go as planned would be an understatement. Not that I didn’t absolutely enjoy having both my life and all the lives of my closest friends and colleagues in peril. Who wouldn’t want to have one of their more embarrassing programs hijacked by a station wide emergency? To make it all worse, Garak broke into my program just as I had kissed the Caprice character.

 

                I think he actually was enjoying himself at first. Making jokes like, “I think I joined the wrong intelligence agency” which absolutely thrilled me because he just openly _admitted_ to having been a spy! I mean, of course he knows I know that at this point, but he still doesn’t usually mention it casually. Now he was clearly beginning to trust me and what happens? I shoot him.

 

                I didn’t want to do it, but it was all I could think to do to stop him from endangering the others further. But that’s hardly an excuse, is it? I _shot_ the man and it was dangerously close to killing him. I knew I wouldn’t miss, but he doesn’t know how certain I am of that. And even then, he could have moved unexpectedly or a vibration in the program could have thrown me off and his life would have been over. I don’t want to think about it, but I have to. It’s something I did and I’m sure he’ll never let me get close to him again.

 

                He acted pleased by my action and seemed to accept my offer of having lunch tomorrow, but he said so somewhat jokingly, proposing we have lunch at “my place” meaning the program. It’s so hard to know what he means. I think, oddly enough, I haven’t lost him as a friend. I do think there’s a part of him that is proud of me for seeming willing to sacrifice him, but how could he ever put down his guard around me now? It took _years_ for us to get this far, and now there’s simply no way he’ll want to risk having anything romantic with me. It’s over. I ruined everything.


	19. For The Cause

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian and Garak go to a racquetball match together.

**Stardate: 2372**

 

**Entry 1**

 

I’m going to see Nerys’ match with Garak today! I mentioned that it will probably be a great game and that I’m excited to go see it and then I wasn’t really thinking and told him he should come. He said he’d love to join me! Maybe I haven’t ruined everything as terribly as I thought. I mean, again, I know that we’re still friends. We still have lunch after all, but this feels a bit like a date! I asked Leeta about it and she shook her head at me but wished me luck.

 

                I have a shift right after the game, unfortunately, otherwise I’d love to wear something a little less official and go for drinks with him afterward, but I’ll take what I can get. All hope may not be lost!

 

 

**Entry 2**

 

I know I shouldn’t resent Tora Ziyal. She’s had plenty of hardship and seems to be a lovely girl. However, I can’t help but wish she weren’t on the station right now. Garak spent the _entire_ game staring at her and talking about her. Of course, I was jealous, but I tried to dissuade him from giving her attention by appealing to the logic of who her father is. He clearly didn’t give a damn what I said and it just hurts because I can’t believe I was so stupid as to think going to the game together was anything more than platonic.

 

                I saw the two of them talking and smiling together, walking past the infirmary as I worked. Of course, I can see the girl is lovely, and I’m sure Garak thinks so as well, what with her being Cardassian. But she’s practically a _child_ when you get down to it. What is she? Seventeen maybe? I know that Cardassians don’t have a real issue with age gap in relationships, and as long as she’s an adult, I shouldn’t stick my nose into things but _honestly_ Garak, what are you _doing_? He’s smarter than this. He knows he shouldn’t go after Dukat’s daughter! Or maybe that makes it more enticing to him? Something that would anger his enemy? And, again, she’s younger than _me_ and he’s not exactly close to my age!

 

                I’m going to need to see Leeta tonight. I need to talk to someone about all of this and just vent. She’s really good about all this, I’m glad I have her. She makes me feel attractive and wanted but she doesn’t make me feel guilty about what I feel. Part of me wishes I loved her instead. Unfortunately, not the part of me that gets to decide.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Julian really can't catch a break with his emotions. It's a rollercoaster.


	20. Body Parts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak canceled lunch so he could spend time with Ziyal instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter, but I shall post the next one soon and that one is much longer!

**Stardate: 2372**

 

**Entry 2**

 

Garak asked if I wanted to join him for dinner when I got off shift, so of course I accepted. He missed this week’s lunch (preferring to go to the holosuite with Ziyal) and I’m trying not to be hurt or read too much into it, but of course I’m failing. I know, I know, he actually gets to spend time with one of his own people and they’re both in a similar exiled situation but it’s still highly frustrating. I joked that it was strange for him to call on me, since I was quite sure he was purposefully neglecting me.  When I say “I joked” I mean that I played it like a joke, obviously I’m far too sensitive.

 

                He laughed at me, saying that it’s hardly fair that I try to monopolize him when I don’t even have ample time to give him. I told him that it’s not like I mind him having other friends, it’s just that _because_ I have limited time to spend with him I’d rather he not cancel on me since it’s so difficult to reschedule. He asked me if I had been so hurt when he began seeing Odo for breakfast, so I had to explain that being a bit annoyed and hurt aren’t the same thing. Then, of course, being clever and incredibly cruel, he pointed out that I’m only annoyed after he has a lovely female companion, so he joked that I must be jealous. Damn him.

 

                Garak insisted we go to the replimat instead of Quark’s, even though I felt like we should give him some business since I can’t help but pity the man with his false Dorek diagnosis and now liquidator Brunt. Garak said he’s seen quite enough of the man today, though he did make a profit off of whatever aggravation he received and he claimed what’s best is that he has no intention of delivering on the services he was apparently hired for. I pointed out that that is either stealing or a scam, to which he noted Quark could hardly prosecute anyone due to swindling. He’s got a point there.

 

                We could have just gone back to the way our conversations usually go, but instead he began talking about Ziyal again and how he believes she has romantic feelings for him. My agitation must have shown on my face as he said, “Really, doctor, I don’t see why this upsets you so much. My personal affairs are hardly a concern of yours.” I was luckily able to counter that with how often he’d inquired about Leeta and how it seems like the same thing. He found that interesting, recalling that I had accused him of jealousy in that case so that would simply confirm his assertions about me. I told him that that’s only true if he actually _is_ jealous of Leeta. He avoided answering that, the bastard.


	21. Broken Link

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak tries to set Odo up with one of his customers but finds himself calling for Dr. Bashir urgently.

**Stardate: 2372, 49962.4**

 

**Entry 1**

 

I woke up an hour early this morning and I couldn’t get back to sleep so I figured it was worth going to the replimat for breakfast and does Garak _live_ in the replimat? Well, I’m happy he joined me, it’s always nice (and aggravating) to talk to him. But this time he’s trying to involve me in some sort of plot that I cannot go along with. Running off to Bajor in the middle of the night to investigate Cardassian orphans? Sure. Confronting Enabran Tain himself to save Garak’s life? Fine. But trying to set Odo up on a date? No.

 

                Don’t get me wrong, I love gossip and hearing who’s involved with who, it’s what Jadzia and I talk about half the time. That being said, I’m not going to push Odo into dating someone when as far as I know, he could be aromantic! If he does have romantic feelings, I don’t know if he has a gender preference or even just what he would like aesthetically speaking so it’s not like I’d have much to go on. Still, Garak seems adamant that Odo needs to get himself a date.

 

                I asked _why_ he feels this to be so important and he admitted that he has a client who won’t stop pestering him about questions having to do with the Constable. Apparently every fitting it’s “is he seeing anyone? Such a fascinating man!” And it’s gotten Garak thinking that she would be a nice match for the man. At first I thought he might just be tired of hearing the Bajoran woman ask about him, but I think he just genuinely wants to play matchmaker. I took the opportunity to ask, “If you’re such a romantic, why don’t you find someone yourself?” To which he responded with: “My dear doctor, all the good ones are gone.”

 

                Anyway, excuse me as I agonize over whether or not he’s referring to me being involved with Leeta, someone else entirely, or just being mysterious for the sake of being mysterious. Miles said that despite all the marital woes that can crop up, married life is nowhere near as stressful as being single and hoping you find someone. I’m certainly inclined to agree.

 

 

**Entry 2**

 

Odo’s in the infirmary and I honestly don’t know what I can do for him. He’s destabilizing at an alarming rate and soon he won’t be able to hold any form outside of his liquid state. He values his dignity so much, and he has never really required medical attention before, I can’t imagine being bedridden is very easy for him. I’m trying not to sugarcoat anything too much for him, and I’m honestly keeping my talking with him to a minimal as he wants to be alone which I can understand. He is allowing Kira to read him the criminal activities reports right now though, which I’m sure makes him feel less useless, not to mention Kira is certainly is closest friend.

 

                I asked Garak what could have happened to trigger this, as he was the one who was with Odo when this started. He admitted to trying to set Odo up with his one client, but other than that there didn’t really seem to be anything out of the ordinary. I asked if she touched him or maybe could have planted something on him, and he said no. Garak isn’t the type to have forgotten something like that. I’m running out of ideas as to what could be the cause and what to do, I may have to bring in Dr. Mora or have Odo sent to Starfleet Medical. I’ll admit that it’s hurtful to my pride if I have to relinquish a patient but a bruised ego is nothing compared to a man’s life.

 

 

**Entry 3**

 

Garak enlisted me in entertaining and distracting Odo. It seems Captain Sisko, in order for Garak to accompany our mission to the Gamma Quadrant, suggested that Garak play his usual game of innuendo and obfuscation to keep Odo’s mind off the pain. When I told Garak he was certainly _not_ allowed in the infirmary to cause trouble, he explained the situation. He then pointed out that if I act irate at his presence, it adds to the illusion that this is not for Odo’s benefit, but simply just Garak being Garak.  

 

                Well, it seemed to have worked as that was the most content I’ve seen Odo since this whole thing began, but I don’t trust the Founder who is alone talking to him now. I suppose I shouldn’t trust her, she’s leading the Dominion, but she seemed almost unsurprised by Odo’s condition. Garak has been panicking over how he looks to try and impress her, though I doubt his attire means much to a changeling. I do hope Garak discovers that there are prisoners from the Obsidian Order and Tal Shiar attack that can be exchanged, but right now my focus and concerns are with Odo.

 

 

**Entry 4**

 

I don’t know what to say after all this. I need to say something, but I’m simply overwhelmed. Odo’s humanoid now. He’s not strictly human, he’s closest to Bajoran anatomically though there are slight differences. He still looks the same, which I suppose is probably comforting for him somewhat. Or maybe he’d prefer a new face? Does a changeling truly identify with their most commonly assumed form or is it just another mask that he is suddenly stuck in? This is going to be a massive adjustment, though I am glad he’s alive.

 

                But then there’s Garak. In a fit of rage he tried to destroy the Founders’ planet, with me and Odo on it. Sisko and Jadzia were also on the planet surface, but I’m trying to view the casualty list in Garak’s perspective. The only two people that he seems to have any sort of affection for that were on the planet were Odo and myself, yet he was willing to kill us both to avenge the deaths of Tain’s assault. Maybe it was just to avenge Tain himself, I don’t know. The only reason I’m alive is because Worf stopped him in time, yet I can’t help be angry that they’re having him serve time.

 

                It’s not as if I can claim he didn’t do anything harmful or that it was all just a misunderstanding. But I don’t like the idea of him being put away, even though it’s for a short time. It’s breaking my heart that he can just be taken from me and we still haven’t really been together. I need to see Leeta. I don’t know if I can continue being involved with her if it might be preventing Garak from being with me. If something like this happens again, I might never get another chance with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos if you enjoy, friendos~!


	22. He Who Is Without Sin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bashir and Leeta end their relationship.

**Stardate: 2372**

 

**Entry 3**

 

I was going to ask Leeta over for dinner to talk to her but she actually stopped by the infirmary and asked if we could talk tonight as she felt she needed to tell me something, I told her I felt exactly the same way and we could go to my quarters. I will admit that I had a lot of anxiety about the whole thing, even if we said there was no real commitment, breaking things off always tends to be messy. And, well, it was. But not for the reasons one would expect!

 

                So she basically said once she entered my quarters that she wanted to end things and I must have looked like a lunatic when I just smiled and laughed with joy. I confessed that I had been thinking the same thing because of my feelings for Garak and we both were so relieved we hugged. And kissed. And then we had sex. She’s very attractive! And, well, I won’t deny we have _wonderful_ sex and we’ve been doing it long enough that it sort of felt like the natural progression of things once we were holding each other and… well, like I said, it’s a mess.

 

                Actually, correction: _I’m_ a mess. Leeta laughed when I pointed out that this seemed hypocritical of a break-up and she explained that there’s a Bajoran tradition of basically just… sleeping with people with absolutely no strings attached (the person you’re breaking up with and others) for a short period before officially ending the relationship. She said it hadn’t really occurred to her to ask what human customs were and seeing how they’re hardly pleasant, I thought it best we just went with the Bajoran approach.

 

                Now, there’s an issue with this for both of us. I can hardly go around throwing myself at everyone around the station, flirting when I was new to the station was one thing, but I have a feeling Captain Sisko won’t approve of me installing a revolving door in my quarters and basically declaring that I’m “open for business” on the Promenade. Leeta also pointed out that if she even has a brief “loose” period on the station, rumors will spread and she’ll never stop being harassed around the Dabo table. We need to find somewhere we can go that isn’t the station. Perhaps a vacation to Bajor is in order?

 

 

**Entry 6**

 

I forgot to mention in my last log (since I had to vent so much about Worf’s ridiculous behavior) that I learned what Leeta’s reasons were for wanting to end things! I’d felt a bit guilty this entire time, thinking maybe that it was my own emotional unavailableness and pining for Garak that was causing it but then she let slip that she had been having feelings for another man. Now, I thought that was perfect because it was identical to my reason so we were somewhat both in the clear! But, of course, I had to find out _who_ it was she fancied and I just…

 

                ROM!? I mean, honestly?! She said that _I_ had the worst taste in men because of Garak but she is breaking things off with me for _Rom_. Now, I’m not trying to say I’m a better man than Rom, but I think I’m objectively more attractive simply by not being a Ferengi. Is that bigoted? Probably, but I’m allowed to be a bit spiteful after a break-up! Also, the man is well-known for being a _dunce_ and, yes, he has gained some more confidence and leadership since he led that whole Union dispute but it was my suggestion and Miles’ egging on that… Oh lord, did I inadvertently make Rom seem more attractive to my own girlfriend? Did I somehow sabotage the relationship with Leeta? No, Julian. Don’t go there with your brain, you’ll drive yourself crazy.

 

                Anyway! The point is that I have no reason to feel guilty about having feelings for Garak while with Leeta and I should ignore all of her reminders of his flaws because she clearly falls for dullards and… No, I don’t want to think that she only goes after fools either, because then I’ll stay up wondering if she saw me as an idiot. Focus on the good news, Julian. No guilt. That means sleeping well tonight if you just _stop overthinking._

               

I just can’t believe she would fall for _Rom…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow I shall post the last chapter of this fic, but SURPRISE THIS IS PART ONE OF A SERIES I DECIDED


	23. Things Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian finally admits to himself just how deeply he feels for Garak and we learn who is reading his logs.

**Stardate: 2373**

 

**Entry 1**

 

I haven’t been updating my log. I haven’t been sleeping. If Garak dies, it will be all my fault. He didn’t have any interest in going to the conference on the occupation until I pointed out that he would have a unique perspective on the whole thing, I was the one who encouraged him to go despite everyone else saying it was a terrible idea. Now he, Jadzia, Sisko, and Odo are all unconscious in the infirmary and I can’t figure out what to do.

 

                The excess of cerebral energy in their neural cortexes seems similar to what happens during a Changeling link, but that hardly helps me understand how to get them out of it. I was worried and frantic before, but then Garak’s nose started bleeding and it became clear that they were in even more immediate danger. I don’t know what to do other than try and stabilize them. I feel utterly useless and ashamed. I don’t deserve to be here if they die.

 

 

**Entry 2**

 

Odo’s report explained everything that happened while they were unconscious. I explained how Odo’s morphogenic enzymes played into the situation and when I mentioned it making for an interesting paper he seemed uncomfortable so I backed off. Garak found me after I left Odo with Kira and I asked him if he’d like to go to Quark’s and he said he’d prefer to share a drink in one of our quarters’. I brought him to mine and got him a glass of Kanar, I poured myself a Riesling.

 

                He honestly asked me why I spend time with him. When I didn’t respond, he pressed further by saying it’s not as if I don’t side with the Bajorans when it comes to the Occupation. I could only ask him why he was wondering this now. He didn’t answer. I asked what he saw during his coma, he simply said, “a different point of view.”

 

                Had it really never occurred to him before that what the Cardassians had done to the Bajorans was terrible? Or was it just so different for him to experience it first-hand? I reassured him that he’s my friend and I enjoy his personality and company, that’s why I spend time with him. He joked by saying, “you mean you enjoy being friends with a spy” and I couldn’t stop myself from saying, “it’s more than that” and placing my hand on his.

 

                It was a tense moment. I held my breath as we simply locked eyes and didn’t move. He didn’t take his hand away, but he spoke again with, “You truly were worried about me, weren’t you?” Referring to when he was in the coma. I pointed out that I had noticed how shaken he’d been when I was attacked by Altovar and he simply nodded. I wanted to lean in and kiss him, but the mood felt so tense and tragic, I knew he’d view the action as one out of pity, so I stopped myself.

 

                He turned his hand over so that our palms were touching and on instinct, I laced our fingers. That seemed to startle him, but he then gave me a smile I’ve never seen before and he nodded again. I felt like a completely obvious dolt when I just awkwardly mentioned that I was no longer with Leeta, in case he hadn’t heard. He cracked up laughing at that and assured me that he’d been keeping close tabs on the situation.

 

                I’m amazed at how much we were saying without admitting a damned thing. I told him that tomorrow I’m leaving for a conference on burn treatments on Meezan IV but I look forward to seeing him when I get back. He asked me if I was planning to burn anyone in particular soon, which I believe was him implying that I may not be serious about pursuing him? I responded that I simply had to know the latest methods in case he had any ideas about exploding his shop again (he was surprised Odo told me it was him) and the damage was more severe, I told him I’d be heartbroken if I couldn’t help him. He said he had no doubt that his life was safe in my hands. I don’t know exactly what he meant by that, but it was certainly kind. I offered to bring him back some Meezan chocolates, and that seemed to please him. I wanted to kiss him goodbye, but instead, we pressed palms together again and then he left.

 

                I love him. I hope I’m not wildly misinterpreting what just happened between us. There’s simply no way that I’m going to return without finally letting him know clearly how I feel. He seems so oddly insecure at times, I need to make sure he’s aware that I don’t want to lose him. Time apart will be good though, it will allow me to plan out what I’m going to say and do. Though part of me wishes I had just embraced him tonight, I know I’ll be glad I waited if this all pays off.

 

 

\--

 

 

                The Changeling reread the last entry again and let his eyes wander to the personal effects he had taken from the doctor whom he’d replaced. He opened the bag with a new curiosity and came upon exactly what he’d expected: Meezan chocolates. He’d have to remember to give these to that Cardassian, though he hardly relished the idea. The Changeling would have enjoyed having a less sentimental alias, as this Solid seemed to constantly engage in unnecessary friendships and doomed romances.

 

                The Changeling looked at the doctor’s latest entries into his planner to remind himself what tedious chores he’d have to do before he could finally get to work on his real mission. Darts with Chief of Operations Miles Edward O’Brien tomorrow night? He’d let the Chief have the first turn to observe how it was done. It was Garak that he was worried about. The Cardassian was close to Julian Bashir and he was astute, but the changeling grinned as he knew the best way to throw a Solid off their balance was to bring them even closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bum bum BUM!!!
> 
> That's the end of this fic, stay tuned for part 2, which will be from the Changeling's perspective!
> 
> Comments and kudos if you enjoyed~


End file.
